The Dear God books referred to in this Blog!

***This letter was part of a Grief Share assignment to write a lament to God. Which just means to get real with God. Not pretty, not religious…Just real.

Dear God

Just writing that reminds me of the children’s book by the same name.

But I still begin with those same words.

Dear God.

        I haven’t been a child for nearly 7 decades, and yet at times nothing seems more comforting to me than the thought of crawling up on your lap and just crying.

When my husband died 5 years ago, I found comfort in thinking about crawling up under your arm. But since Autumn died, I feel such a need to crawl up on your lap. Maybe because I was held and loved under my husband’s arm, but memories of my daughter are of her crawling up on my lap.

I have so many different emotions God.  As a spouse my husband and I had several conversations about whether he went first or if I went first. But you don’t have those conversations with your child.

Lord you know how hard it was 5 years ago when Jim said Hon I can’t say I won’t still be here at Christmas, but I do know that I won’t feel as good as I do now, so I think we should have Thanksgiving and Christmas together this year. So, the girls and I kicked the holidays in motion and 10 days later November 16 we all got together, kids, grands and great grand. Lord I remember slipping into my room from time to time just to connect with you. I remember I so needed your grace to lead our family through the gentle goodbye. This was Papa, how do we say goodbye to Papa.

I couldn’t really know how we did. I just know you were faithful to each one of us, as we did.

Now November 16 is soon to be here again. It will be 5 years since the last holiday we all spent together. The last day we all were together. Lord We are having Thanksgiving early again this year, because of deer season and someone’s vacations. This year we will meet earlier in the day to say Goodbye to Autumn Joy. Her stone is in and now her ashes will be placed in a spot she chose herself.

I know Lord that you and I have become so much closer in these passed 5 years. I know Lord I can’t do this without you, and I know you will never leave me, and I know you are my comforter.

And I do find comfort Lord knowing she is with you and not suffering here with me. * But Lord I am asking for extra grace on those days that I don’t feel that way.  

I know you know me better than I know me.

Dear God

        * Please give me extra grace on those days, I feel like I have nothing to say to you.

Love Your daughter Hope