I saw a picture in a book one time of an old root cellar door with a woman standing a couple steps from the top. Around her was so much debris. There were things she recognized, and others she did not. These items most likely belonged to someone blocks or miles away.

There was a tree badly bent by the tornado that had just passed through, but it was still standing. On one of its few remaining branches hung a plastic bag, like the ones from the local convenience store.

As she looks around, she had to decide…

1. Was she going back down the steps and close the door?
2. Was she going to just go back down but leave the door still open?
3. Will she just turn and sit down on the top step and cry in despair?
4. Or will she reach up and take the bag from the branch, bend over and begin picking up items one at a time?

It’s been almost a month since I heard the voice of my youngest daughter say Oh Ma. I went to the bedside of my daughter Autumn Joy, lifted my stethoscope to her chest to find the heartbeat that never came.

*In some situations I have retreated down the steps and pulled the doors closed behind me.

 
*Others I went back down the steps but knew the fresh air was good for me so I left the door open .

  *Others I really wanted to step out and begin, but I couldn’t, so I just sat down on the top step. Like tonight I went to church and made the coffee because I was on the schedule. Then I left and came home. Tomorrow I will go but only for second service.

  * Yet there are areas that I have reach and grasp the bag and began collecting the debris. In some ways it is easier than it was after my husband passed 4 ½ years ago. Now I know I don’t have to let go of anything that I am not ready to let go of.

****That also goes for picking up previous responsibilities. At times I want to quit it all, and yet I know that will not allow me to be the real me. I have to remember it is not fare to people if I say yes to things, that I am not ready for, then I resent them for asking.

One of the real differences between now and when I lost my husband, is there is no Autumn Joy to sit down and go deep with.

Our youngest daughter is wonderful but she has been called a party in a box. I have mentioned before My husband, our son and youngest daughters are energized by people. Autumn and her Mom not so much.

 I miss the depth of conversation right now. The comfort of stories, many of those were the.  You had to be there stories.  Autumn and I worked for the same company for over 8 years. We cared for people with traumatic brain injuries in several capacities. There were several people at her Celebration of life from that company. I kept thinking, oh I cannot wait to tell Autumn that I saw them.

Today my niece said when she asked Autumn, How she was doing Autumn’s reply was  “Well I don’t know exactly where I am going,(referring to none of us understand a lot about heaven). I don’t know exactly when I’m going, but I am just getting ready to go.

While I absolutely know where she is. And I find great spiritual comfort in that. I also know where she is not, and that I will continue to work on daily.

I gave birth to 4 children. Two are in heaven and two are still here. And by God’s choosing So Am I. I am grateful to know that My God has me and my family in his arms.

Blessings! Thanks for Reading!