A few decades ago, the Lord gave me a dream that was a very pivotal moment in my life. It ended years of not feeling like I was enough. Never feeling like God could use my life to touch others. There was such a deep part inside, that wanted to help people that I saw going down familiar destructive paths. I could tell they were traveling that path because they believed the same lies I did. Lies that kept me for way to long on unhealthy destinations. Somewhere, something, someone convinced them they weren’t good enough, they didn’t deserve to be loved, and their input was totally unwanted and unimportant.

I think probably a piece of this came from being raised one of twenty kids. I think I probably knew my parents loved US. But I don’t know that I ever felt like they loved Hope. Me the third daughter, the eighth child. The one that loved music, writing poetry, animals, starry skies and quiet places. Most of my memories as a child, was being referred to as one of the Townes. There were so many of us, it was hard to keep our names straight. My Dad used to call us several names, then he would say, who ever you are sit down and shut up, or sit down and eat etc. Even teachers, and school bus drivers would never yell my name. They just yelled Towne.

I remember a scene in the Princess Diaries where she was sitting on a rock wall at school, and someone came and sat on her, then they turned and said I am sorry I didn’t see you there. So many times I felt sat on.

I think the panicle of this was on a missions trip to Guatemala. I went to a church service, and before the service started, I heard from across the room someone yelled “I know you are not Judy, but I know you are a Towne. Turns out they were former Youth Pastors in Monroe, WI. Several of my family attended that church.

I think maybe this was the driving force behind moving from where I grew up and never looking back. I needed to be me. They may not have know who me was , but I did. I didn’t much care for the person that looked back at me in the mirror. Like every other relationship. I knew God loved US, but I struggles with the “Jesus Loves ME , this I know. I carried a lot of shame. Let me say right here, that for years I felt like I didn’t get what I needed as a child. As I grew up and matured, I can now say “I think my parents gave us all they had to give.”

The greatest thing they did for each of us, was they took us to Jesus. I didn’t care much for the rules and religion, but I grew to love Jesus at a very young age. I kind of (a grew up with what I would call a (Whack a Mole God). He was always waiting for you to mess up, so he could whack you for it. It seemed He was always Mad, and I was always Bad. Now I use to sit under the pine trees by our mail box and talk to Jesus. My theology was pretty skewed, I am sure, but somehow I knew that the Jesus I talked to there under the tree wasn’t mean. BUT again that He loved US.

For many years many things happened to me, then you add my own unhealthy responses to that, and I was a mess. I felt like surely I was too damaged for Jesus to ever use me to help anyone. I felt like I had made too many mistakes to ever be forgiven, let alone used to touch the lives of hurting people. I was truly a nurse at heart. I learned to cover up with my outgoing personality, and built in survival wit, but my heart was very sad.

…A short poem I wrote a while back…

A little girl, under a tree… I met you, and you saw me.

I wanted to give you my whole heart… But I felt dirty and bad, so where do I start

I didn’t understand, there under the tree… I saw my shame, but you saw me.

As a little girl, I searched for a place… to talk with you Jesus, and feel loved, not disgrace.

A place all alone, under a tree… I met with my Savior, and He met with ME!

For many years I allowed the voices to remind me of my failures, or my perceived short comings. I had learned to function behind my disguise. Most people were unaware of the negative self talk that I had allowed to become my mirror. Then one day I HAD A DREAM!

I will call it a dream, though I think it was much more, because I have never forgotten one word. It was as real as any conversation I have ever had or heard. I say dream because most will understand that., I want everyone to hear and comprehend “This message is for each of us that have allowed the Shoulda, Woulda or Coulda’s to control our lives.

In this dream my heart looked like a Valentine heart. It was cut from top to bottom, and opened like a door. In this dream Jesus was walking in and out of my heart with Hefty garbage bags. (not sure how I knew they were Hefty brand, but I did). He would bring bags out and set them by a little picket fence. At one point something, someone walked around the fence, and picked up a bag in each hand. Just as he did Jesus came walking out of my heart, and ask what he was doing? He replied “I am just going to get rid of this garbage”. Jesus promptly responded with “Oh no, put those bags back down, THERE IS NOT ONE THING IN THOSE BAGS, THAT I CAN NOT USE! It was so real, it was the same Jesus I used to talk to under the pine trees.

Now I had heard things like this through the years, but it gave me a perspective that I somehow had eluded me for decades. He not only could use me despite my flaws, but he could take the very bags of pain, and regrets and use them to keep my mind refreshed to the true pain of others, to the forgiveness and freedom that is available. Because Me and Jesus had Been There , and Done That.

Now when I see people dragging their bags, I can most assuredly minister to their hearts.

Today I want to end my Blog with some lines from a movie I recently watched. A mother was saying good bye to her daughter that was leaving on a trip for several months. The possibilities of struggle, hardship and even danger were pretty obvious.

She said to her , “don’t forget!” “Watch the Sunsets, Celebrate the milestones and don’t forget to Dance in the Rain.

Blessings. Thanks for Reading