Autumn Update

Thursday, we had the final appointment with the UW hospital cancer unit. No more trips to Madison. All the familiar faces of this past year will now fade into the past. Hospice will now be coming to Autumn’s home. New faces, new cares, new care plan.

                           Mom’s Heart

Jim (my husband) will soon be gone 4 ½ years.  There is a corner in a hallway at the UW Hospital that had a sign. One direction arrow said to VA Hospital the arrow going the other direction said Carbone Cancer Center. That sign spoke volumes to me. I felt somewhat like I was holding tight to two people I loved, and I was losing my grip. But I didn’t feel alone on that corner. Things that make you say Hmmm!

The VA hospital is (where I last spoke with and said goodbye to my husband 4 1/2 years ago )

Whenever we were going any place, he would always say “Well Hope we’re doing this”. The day he passed away he said, “Wow this isn’t how I thought it would be.” We always kidded him that he slept so much, one day he would just wake up at Jesus’s house. But he was struggling to get his air. So, when he said this isn’t how I thought it would be I took his face in my hands and I said, “Jim Bennett We are doing this”. He said I know, and he closed his eyes for the last time. In several hours he changed homes.

          As life would have it the VA hospital in Madison and the UW hospital are connected. When you leave one you leave the other. As I pulled on to University Ave, I felt like I was saying goodbye again. I will miss that corner in the hallway, where somehow, I felt we were all three still together. I didn’t even realize I felt that way until I was leaving both hospitals behind. I stopped at the Kwik Trip for a French Vanilla cappuccino, went and parked by the lake and had a good cry. I am getting better at giving myself fall apart times.

          People ask me how Autumn is doing, and I confess that depending on who is asking I choose one of my rote answers. I have seen and have watched the physical changes and struggles.

My Mom heart wants to know if she is afraid, is her heart at peace. There are some questions that though you really want to know you realize, she alone gets to choose to whom she shares the deepest parts of her soul.

          Though I know what looks to be impending loss I AM still trusting that God can turn it all around. I know He is well able. But what I also know is He will walk me/us through whatever waters are ahead.  

The Falls Chapter 8

Have you ever wondered why it is easy to let go of some things, while others cause us to dig our heels in and hold on tight? No matter what, you have decided you are just not going to quit.

In April prior to my trip to Honduras, I was asked to speak at a woman’s conference. Not a huge crowd, 75-80 people. However, after my accident it looked as though it wasn’t going to happen. I just never felt like I could or should back out of my commitment. Being it was several months out the leaders were graciously leaving the decision to me. We all knew that either God is God; or he is not. We could only pray and trust the results to him. However, if it was within my power I wasn’t going to let anything take this from me.

While my kidneys were getting better each day, I was still experiencing some real health challenges. I was so nauseated much of the time. It was hard to keep down anything I ate. My mouth was so sore from the yeast/candida overgrowth. This was caused by the massive use of antibiotics. So eating wasn’t pleasant. I lost over 60 #. Though my body size could afford it, my muscles couldn’t. I was finding it hard to sit up without being in somewhat of a reclining position. My blood pressure would drop dangerously bad if I stood. Although some battles had been won, the war was not over. For all practical purposes I should have just rolled over and stayed in bed.

I was so tired of losing. Or what I at the time, thought was happening. If the leaders are leaving this, too my choice I am speaking if they must prop me up to do it. That is quite close to what happened😊

My husband took me to the conference, reclined in the front seat. Things were looking up I had graduated from the floor in the back. Still not easy; but I could get into the front seat with help, a lot of help.

My sister graciously offered to come and help me out at the conference. She and I and one of our younger brothers shared a room. My sister slept in her van after she had an attack of claustrophobia. We were on the third floor, which didn’t work for her. We are funny, us humans.

 My brother provided the music at this conference. He is so very talented. It was interesting that we lived 85 miles apart and neither of us knew until shortly before that the other would be there. One of the leaders, a friend of mine, met him while they both ministered in his hometown earlier that spring.

It was nice to be around people again. Though they were aware of my battle, they still saw me as part of the ministry team. Again, the verse in PS 118:17 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done. I was alive and despite medical reports, I had not died; now came a chance proclaim the faithfulness of my God. And faithful he is, was, and always will be.

People’s reactions are always interesting to me. While one thought I should have stayed home and taken care of myself, and my health. Others thought I should jump out of the wheelchair and declare I was healed. I had by this point concluded it wasn’t about the size of my faith: rather my willingness to trust.

 I received much, well meaning advice on what I should, or should not be doing. A verse in the Bible says don’t worry as much about things that might destroy your body, rather be more concern over that which can destroy your soul.

 Another verse Deuteronomy 29:29 says there are things that ourselves and our children will understand, but some secrets will remain with God. I found it a challenge at times to filter out the many voices, allowing me to hear the voice of God. I have gotten better at that through the years, but still can be challenging.

 There seemed to be no shortage of people to give you a word, or even anoint you with oil, and I believe highly in both. But sometimes you just need someone to stand firm with you, right where you are. Someone to just believe.

There is a contemporary gospel song that says Sometimes God calms the storm, other times he calms his child. The Bible doesn’t record any words Aaron and Hur spoke to Moses while holding up his hands on the mountain. They just came along beside. Why do we think we have to say something profound. Maybe we just need to learn to come along beside.

My intention was to attend the services and see how I felt as far as socializing. There was both prayer and music times besides the scheduled services. My brother and sister were out and about a lot.

I did have quite a few visitors. Most came to pray and give me a word. I don’t mean at all to sound sarcastic. I know there are times a word from someone comes like a breath of fresh air. However, the only word you can always count on is the word of God. All other words are subject to both change and interpretation.

I was getting sicker by the hour. At times pain would hit me so bad I would curl up in a ball. I kept it to myself, a lot thinking others were getting sick of me whining. The age-old fear of rejection, raising it’s head again. The severe pain would come and go, sometimes lasting a couple minutes, other times an hours. I was becoming weaker and weaker. I almost called my husband to come and take me home. But once again that God given resolve came over me.

One of the leaders came to see me and told me if I still felt I wanted to speak they would let me speak first then bring me back to my room if I wanted them to.

My sister came and literally dressed me and sat me in the wheelchair. I kind of looked like the old dead grandma on National Lampoon vacation😊 Remember the one they sat on top of the car in her rocker.  I was up, dressed and ready to go. As ready as I was ever going to be at this juncture in my life.

They had begun the music when me and my wheelchair arrived. It was so good to worship the Lord with others, it had been a long time. It had been 4 months since I last was in church. I began after a short introduction to sing His Anchor hold despite the storm. That song became my theme song during this entire ordeal.

I read a story about some young fisherman attempting to get his vessel ready for an upcoming storm. They were tethering their boat to everything insight. About the time they finished an old fisherman with much experience came walking by. He asked what they were doing, and they in their youthful pride explained their readiness for the storm.

The experienced fisherman trying not to be unkind told them that worse thing they could do in a storm would be to tie their boat to anything. He explained how the storm would batter their boat into the dock, the bank and anything else they had it tethered to.

Isn’t that much like we are?  When a storm hits our life, we like to attach ourselves to anything in sight. It may be people, money, tradition, or even churches. When there is only one thing, we should anchor ourselves too. The only thing that will never break or come untied.

The young fishermen were somewhat discouraged by the old man’s remark. They ask him what he did during all the storms he had lived through. I tried many things like you are doing here, was his reply. Finally found out the best thing to do when a storm is coming, is take your vessel out far from the shore, and anchor deep. The deeper the anchor the calmer the sea.

Chapter 8 part 2 Coming soon!

Blessings! Thanks for Reading!