Autumn update. Still losing weight. Still having difficulty keeping anything down. Immunotherapy Still on hold. God is Still faithful!

   The Nuggets

Yesterday I attended a celebration of life for a 42 yr old woman that had lost her battle with addiction. I sat by her mom at a table during the visitation and heard many stories about this young mother, daughter, sister, and friend. There were funny stories. Stories of her taking people to task for saying or doing something to those that were down and out. She was remembered for her ability to get in the face of those she felt were judging people by their hurts, or habits.  It sounds like if you were looking for her, you would always find her with the people that were hurting. It was even mentioned she would never have been the one to cross the street to avoid someone with hurt or pain.  

She was a hairdresser by trade, a good Samaritan by choice, and many times voiced a desire to kick her addiction and then help others do the same.

         The Pastor that officiated the service has known her and has walked with her through her years of struggle. His closing remarks were quite profound. He said As I walked around today or listened to those that came up to share this afternoon, I feel as if I am in a gold mine. Each person by their attendance or their sharing has brought nuggets of who she was. The nuggets were made of personal encounters with her though the years. He went on to say there are many nuggets before us today.

He then admonished each person to not forget this pile of nuggets. Let our memories of her be these nuggets. Don’t ever let her addiction become the sum of who she was. This pile of nuggets has great value, as did she. As with any other treasure. Remember always to keep them safe in your heart.

A quote I heard years ago :  Don’t name My Book, by the chapter I am in today.

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The Falls Chapter 5/ Part 2

The time came for the dreaded dialysis. They wheeled me down the hall into the elevator toward the dialysis room. I will tell you right now, I was more than a little afraid. I remember thinking over and over I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t mean happening to me, I mean just happening. It was a simple knee surgery. How did I get here from there? I tend to be a very analytical person. I am happy to say I have outgrown some of that 😊.

 In the Bible, Job and all his friends were having conversations in my head. What did I do wrong, am I supposed to be learning something, is this God, the devil, life. As my dad would say in the whole realm of things, it doesn’t really matter. No matter where we’ve been, here we are. And with that thought, they welcomed me to the dialysis ward.

My family was asked to leave at this point while they hooked me up to the BIG machine. I was being funny and friendly on the outside, inside I was crying I want my mommy. She went to be with Jesus 5 months earlier. There were times I was so weak, feeling more gone than here. It was as if just one more step, I could have said Wait up Ma; I’m right behind you.

It has nothing to do with a death wish, just an unexplainable reality. I became aware of the very thin veil between here and there. I didn’t see a tunnel or anything; I just knew it was only on the other side of the door. There was absolutely nothing scary about it. It just felt Right! I just knew that; I knew this was the {Rightest! I have ever felt}

I guess that would be what you could call wholeness. I realize what people mean when they have had a touch with death, the choice whether to come back or stay. Not sure what I would have said, but no one ask. The only thing I ever heard the spirit say along that line is “Your mansion is not finished here, and your work is not done there.”

 Since that time, I no longer fear death. Now I fear leaving my family, living with physical limitation, or constant pain. However, never since, about being there, instead of here.

By now, I am sure it won’t surprise you when I say they were having trouble getting the dialysis to work right. My blood pressure kept dropping. This was a determining factor as to how long each treatment lasts. If it stays stable, they can filter faster.

I was feeling a little frightened at that point. They said dialysis was my only chance and they are having trouble with that. I kept remembering that God will never leave me and that he is totally aware of all aspects of my life, so this was no surprise to God.

Even knowing all of that I felt like maybe he was hiding. An Author, Tommy Tenny speaks about God not leaving, but moving just around the corner, just out of sight to enhance the desire to seek and the joy of finding. Oh, how exciting it is for a small child to finally discover someone’s hiding place. We need always to remember we are all children in God’s eyes.

As I lay there alone trying not to look at the BIG dialysis machine. Normally I have an inquiring mind and want to know everything about everything. However, for some reason the port in my chest, the big machine all just made me sick.

 I was feeling the need for God to show up from where he was concealing himself, and he did. I heard a voice from the door and a friend of ours, the same one that showed up the day they opened my knee and left it open. He was as welcome as the air I was breathing.

We attempted to make small talk, but in my weakened condition even, that was using more energy than I could spare. Therefore, they told us that I couldn’t talk, but I could listen. Now he could have taken that as a cue to leave, but he didn’t. I think he knew I just needed not to be alone.  It just made me feel better. Thank You Gary!!

After a couple of treatments in the hospital, I was loaded back into my comfy bed in our van and home I went again. I was to go three times a week for treatment, for as long as it took. Some people spend a lifetime on dialysis. I had treatment before I left the hospital. The next was scheduled for two days later. I fell asleep almost immediately, very unlike me under normal circumstances. Our bodies were designed to rest when they need healing.

To date I am so very amazed at how sick you can be, and still be sent home from the hospital. I couldn’t feed myself, what I was fed, didn’t stay down. The fact I was losing weight at a very unhealthy rate didn’t seem to bother anyone. I couldn’t walk, or toilet myself.

 In my opinion, we have specialized in our medical field so much, that no one looks at the whole person anymore just their part. I had an ear infection so bad; the drainage was sticking my hair to the sides of my head. I was told to make an appointment with an ENT {ear nose & throat} specialist when I got home.

I went back for dialysis, at a different hospital. The one I left only had inpatient at that time. It was thirty-six hours since I checked out of the other one. They do a blood work up each time you have dialysis, my blood count came back at 6, needs to be around 12. They were very alarmed!

GUESS what thirty-six hours after discharge from the hospital I was readmitted. I was bleeding internally, from what they weren’t sure at this point. They said I needed to have a unit of blood, it took four. I had never received blood before, and I was grateful. To be perfectly honest I was a bit repulsed by it. I could feel the warm tube running across my arm. The gross part I knew the warmth was coming from someone else’s blood. It took 16 hours to run four units. I really am grateful to the people that donated blood, ever once in I while I feel prompted to pray for them and their families. I pray they will be blessed for taking the time to donate blood. I used to but surprise, they don’t want mine anymore. I always told my kids that I was going to give my body for donation when I die. They laugh and say” And just what part of your body do you think someone would want?” 😊

 Then I was sent down to have another CAT scan, which revealed that not only the outside was raw, and burned, so was the inside. Explains why that bladder catheter was so uncomfortable. They still needed to go in and find the problem. So off to surgery I went. AGAIN! They found three bleeding ulcers, as the Doctor put it one was oozing. So, they cauterized them. It stopped the bleeding, but My blood count still wasn’t good. So, they began shots in my stomach. It is what they do when chemo patients get anemic. I also got to drink CHALK-a magnesia. They said it would be easier on my stomach when I ate. By this time, I had yeast so bad in my mouth, it bled. So, they gave me a swish and swallow before I ate. It was a good plan, you couldn’t feel, unfortunately you couldn’t taste either.

Seemed for everything that I had fixed, there were two or three new treatments I needed to do because of it. Those blessed side effects. So, the emergency was over, and after only three days in the hospital I went home. Still needed to go for dialysis every other day. But at least I got to go home. No matter what, that is where I most wanted to be. But no matter where I am I know deep in my heart of hearts that He GOD! will NEVER leave ME, He GOD will NEVER forsake ME.

 How do I know? The Bible tells me so!

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Blessings! Thanks for Reading!

Chapter 6 coming soon!!