Autumn Update!

She had scans done, and the immunotherapy seems to be having some positive effects. The report said, “Slight improvement in all areas.” She is still doing a lot of vomiting and has lost 12 more pounds since Feb fourth. They are trying to keep
her strong enough to give the therapy time to make a difference in how she
feels. Steroids help but are not allowed during the study. They gave her some
last week because she was very malnourished, and the priority switched. Hoping
she can still be in the study. Due for next infusion on the 26^th.

 MY PUZZELING DAYS

This week, like most, was made of many interesting events of
life. Grief Share, pre-marital counseling, a funeral, church, sectional banquet,
and my birthday, with many filler events between.

I decided a few weeks ago to buy a puzzle. We used to have one
on the table a lot. Then we just walked up from time to time and added a piece
or two. It was always an unspoken competition to find that one piece that at
last joined the bird, dog, or rainbow to the main part of the puzzle.

Now lest you are envisioning a 1000-piece sunset puzzle, I
will tell you I am a 300-piece girl, and it has to have a picture, not a modern
art swirl or six shades of the same color, though I will have admitted there
were several shades of green in this puzzle. I decided to buy one with a deer,
rabbit, wishing well two cardinals with a wooded scene and a fresh covering of
snow.  

It’s funny as the puzzle comes together, I saw more birds, not
two or three more but seven more. Each one mostly blends in with the
background. Did you ever feel like you just blended in the background of life.
I will admit as one of 20 there were more than a few of those times. It reminds
me of a scene from the movie Princess Diaries where the young (not yet
discovered princess) was setting on the rock wall at her school when a young
man came and sat on her. When he realized he excused himself and said sorry I
didn’t see you there. She jumped up and said “You sat on me. What?  Am I invisible?” One of our goals at Focus Church is to make sure everyone knows they have been seen. As the First Impressions leader, it is my responsibility to make sure every person is greeted personally. I don’t want anyone to leave feeling like the girl on the rock wall.

I had a friend that would never allow her children to put the
frame of the puzzle together first. I am an adventures girl, but I need a frame,
a purpose, a stepping off point. Then I kind of enjoy making sense out of
chaos. I guess a puzzle could be thought of as a box of chaos until someone
takes the pieces out one by one and begins to find the relationship each piece
has with the other. We have all seen these young couples that seem like gas and
a match waiting to connect and blow, and to be honest I have attended 40^th
and 50^th wedding anniversaries for those same couples. On the other hand,
we have seen those matches made in heaven fall apart early on. It reminds me of
those pieces in my puzzle that do not interlock, they just slide up beside each
other and only when all the pieces around them are holding hands, do they
themselves stay in place. These are called Bits and Pieces puzzles. My husband
(JIM) hated them.

I look at the birch trees in my puzzle that stand out so
nicely in front of the deep evergreens. There are shadows hitting the birch
that change the color, the contrast and sharpness. Shadows are very interesting.
I enjoy learning new things. If you are also like that sometime Google Shadowing
for Beginners. I find it not only interesting as it relates to art, but it is
also full of life lessons.

We have all had those loving birch tree days, when they are
set so lovely in front of the deep Evergreens. Our life is going good, our day
is all scheduled. There is so much to get done. How indeed could the world get
along without us. Then your phone rings, or there is a knock on the door. Just
like that, you hear those words like they are right out of a movie scene. “I am
sorry to inform you” Suddenly our world goes colorless, your schedule no longer
matters.   

This week two of my friends received those calls, both lost
children unexpectedly. One was a twenty-year-old, the other 45. When this happens, we always think about what my husband would have called, the Should-a, Would-a, Could-as. Are there those in your life that you are planning on calling, visiting, or sending a card. Stop what you’re doing, make the call, go for a visit, or
send the card. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Not them, not you and not me.

My puzzle is complete, and soon it will go back in the box. Face
it at the end, we will all end up back in the box. The spot where it sits on my
table will be bare and empty. As I look at this picture puzzle and see the
cardinal on the branch, I ask myself, were my branches strong enough that
someone could stop and rest. Were at least some of my words like fresh well water
to a thirsty soul. I look at both the deer and the rabbit resting so peacefully
and hope that being around me adds peace to situations. I see the little bird
just peeking his head out of the hole, makes me ask if there were times I just
peeked out when I was supposed to fly. As I look at the fresh blanket of snow
which makes the picture more beautiful, were my words and actions like warm
blankets for souls on their cold days.

I must be truthful I am sure there were times I was as annoying as a noisy woodpecker that is shown on the side of the birch tree. 🙂

THE THINGS I ASK MYSELF ON MY PUZZELING DAYS.

Have a blessed day.

                                  **************

The Falls Chapter 4 Part 2

(ENJOY!)

Once again, the paper gowns, and purple gloves were back. They were not lining up to come into my room. It wasn’t me; it was just that each time they came and went they had to put a gown on, then take it off, take gloves off and on.

 I didn’t do alone well. I like my space, but I have never been alone because people were afraid to be around me. I could feel emotions of rejection trying to set up shop in my heart and emotions.

I was sure there had to be something I was doing wrong. Didn’t have enough faith? He never promised us instant answers. He promised us a way of escape. I thought that meant he would take me to a more pleasant place. That place is in His arms. Life still happens, but you are not alone. We all stand stronger in hard times when we are not alone. We are better together!

 I am convinced that if Jesus had kept his mind on his suffering at Calvary he would have quit. Instead, he looked away from the now, and saw you and I. The only way for us to be able to be overcomers was if he overcame first. The only way for him to overcome was to stay on the cross.

 God’s offered way of escape was to redirect my attention to just across the hall, behind another curtain. My husband left the room when they pulled out the needles. When he came back, he said, the guy across the hall in the ER just passed away and they were telling his wife.

At that moment, things in my room seemed insignificant. I was alive. I had my husband standing right beside me. At this point, it didn’t seem I had to concern myself with dying. No matter how sick I became, I could still pray. We serve a God that is alive and interested in all people. I have found the most relief from life’s stuff is getting my mind off me, which allows me to see the broken hurting hearts of others.

 These times make us want to ask. Why? That is what Job’s wife asked him. His reply was basically, Why Not! Don’t get God and life mixed up. He didn’t do it, life did it?  However, he did promise, he will take it, and cause good to come of it. He is ever by our side. We live in a world full of twisted thinking, lack of morals, or concerns for others. Not to mention we live in bodies that get hurt, sick and diseased.

Why do innocent people die at the hands of criminals? Why are babies born with deformities? Why do some have food to waste, while others are starving? Life isn’t fair. But I find how I choose to deal with it has a lot to do with not necessarily life outcome, but mine. (That was made pretty clear to me as I watched the joy on the grandfathers face as he pounced his granddaughter on his knee as he sat on a chair in the city dump) This wasn’t a 3 bedroom house in the suburbs or the country, but the joy couldn’t have been more real. My relationship with the Lord and that alone gave me what I needed to wrestle through the doubts and questions, and still know I God had not gone any place. Nor was He going to.

Life continued to happen after they admitted me again. They decided to leave the Gershon IV in my chest for the time being. No luck starting a new IV. My veins were bad by this time.  I think they stopped the Rocephin. They were weighing their options; maybe the IV was infected with Staph in which case it needed to come out. On the other hand, I needed the medication to get rid of the Staph, and my veins were bad.

 However, there was a real bright spot in the middle of the confusion. I jokingly told my son and daughter in-law that if I ended up in the hospital, when their baby came, they had to name her after me. August 19 Gabriell Hope Ann came into the world in the maternity ward down the hall. They brought her as far as the curtain, but because of the Staph infection, I couldn’t touch her. Don’t get me wrong, I would never want to harm her anyway. If I was ten, I would have thrown a fit and said that’s not fair. Moreover, it wasn’t, but we live in a world that is fallen from the result of sin. And life is not fair. The Bible even says that. It rains on both the just and the unjust alike. I can say yes it does. I have spent time in both of those camps.

By this time, I had the surgeon that had fixed my knee, Dr. Tim and disease control specialist. He was the one they called in after people were infected with wonderful little germs like Staph. The one that sent me home several weeks earlier with the IV in my chest.

They decided to try some new medication. I was kept on the Vancomycin, stopped the Rocephin and started me on a new antibiotic. My Dr. said He hadn’t used it before, or since. Cefepime was the new antibiotic; it possibly was a miracle for others; not for me.

Within a few hours I broke out with what at first seemed to be a rash. The common consensus was that it was Red Mans syndrome, a rash type of reaction to Vancomycin. I didn’t understand that because I had been on that drug for several weeks. When I pointed this out to my Dr. {Dr. Tim} I thought it was a reaction to the new drug. He said, “I don’t think so and, if I am wrong, you will be the one with the rash not me.” Now let me say here I have a good Dr. however when he gets a little stressed, or baffled about things he either jogs or makes a smart remark, and there was not much space to jog, so I got the smart remark. It wasn’t because he didn’t care. Even after I was moved to one of the bigger hospitals in Madison, he would call to see how I was doing.

Things went downhill quickly. The rash spread to my entire body. I began to puff up like a balloon. My kidney numbers were going bad fast. Below 2 was good, these numbers indicate the heath of your kidneys. It climbed to over 6 in about three days. I am not sure when dialysis is really indicated, but our HMO said when it hits 8. As I replayed all I knew or had heard of kidney dialysis, I began to realize I was in trouble. So now I was not only burned, getting larger by the day, becoming quite weak; not I am becoming afraid.

I still had the Staph, so I was still in isolation. This meant a lot of alone time for God and I. More and, more I realized I was not going to fix this. I was in the fire and, if I was going to make it out, I had to have a word from him. John 16:33 says “In this world you will have tribulation, trials, distress, and frustration; but take courage; in Me you will have peace and confidence. He spoke to my spirit.” Hope I want you to know if you have nothing left but me, it will be enough.

I knew things were not good when the number of visitors started increasing. I have a big family so anyway you look at it there were a lot. It was so nice to see people, even if they were all yellow and purple.

One visit that meant the world to me was when my dad walked through the door of my room. I know that wasn’t easy, so I want to publicly say Thank You to my sisters for making that happen. My emotional tank was running low, and that visit filled it up again. I don’t think you ever outgrow the need for your parents, especially when you are afraid and, or sick. Some people never get that need met, but I think we all forever want it.

He sat on the edge of my bed rubbing my hands and talking to me at times and just talking at other times. I hadn’t seen him but once since my mom died, and he had gone downhill a lot mentally. Alzheimer’s was becoming very evident. Though it made you want to cry, he always did or said things to make you laugh, and this wasn’t an exception. After about 10 minutes, he announced that he needed to go to the bathroom, though not quite in those terms.

 My youngest sister took him out to the bathroom. When they returned, she started putting the yellow isolation gown back on him. He said” What do you think you are doing? She said, “Dad you can’t go back in Hope’s room unless we have these on.” To which he replied, “I am 83 years old and, I have never worn yellow and purple together and I am not going to start now.” What made it funnier was that I remember some of the outfits he would dress in. My sister’s used to say, “Dad you are not going out in public with us; dressed like that. He never came back in the room, due to the yellow gown with purple gloves rule. 🙂

 Sometime later a nurse asked me how he was, she said she remembers him because he kept peaking out of the visitor room door. That is the last time my dad knew me by name. When I think about it that is even funny. There were 19 of us kids and he was always calling us the wrong name.

You know things aren’t good when your doctor has tears in his eyes. He sent me to a different hospital, with kidney specialists. A decision some thought long overdue. I knew why I needed to go, but I didn’t like it. As I rolled out past the nurse’s station I got hugs, kisses and well wishes. I since have had several say to me, we never thought you would live. Then I get to tell them who is responsible for me still being here. I first was pulled from my family when I had to return to the hospital for the third time in 6 weeks, then from my friends, when I went into isolation and, now from hometown hospital where everyone knew my name and my family. So, with this prayer on my lips, I started for the next chapter of this storm I was in. Lord sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. . PS 119:116